3am. Monday Morning

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Granted this was written a few weeks ago, and the picture was taken at the same time of me writing it, but nothing has changed, and just the last one I have written, until the next one.

Gods damn it, 3am on another bloody Monday,

Body is alive, mind is awake

All together screaming Rack and Ruin

Permanent damage no help coming

inside or outside, ’tis all but the same

Another cigarette, another cup of tea

washing down another fist full of pills

One may ask, but never wait

why the hell I am awake

Should I try, why even bother

a few hours sleep to ease my brain

1 in 100 I will sleep through

pain racked rest the best I can do

Fresh sheets and relaxing bath

really does not matter at all

Ridicule or unconcerned

is the lesson I have learned.

Advertisements

30 Years a Rocker

It is funny but I never really thought about it, how long it has been since I started growing my hair and wearing the leather and cut, not until my step-daughter had her 30th. Back then, when I was 17, I was introduced to Rock and Roll/Heavy Metal by a work mate who became a firm friend for many years until he left and moved to London. But by leather jacket I brought for £65 in Chelmsford market, along with the studs, so my jacket is has old has she is, makes you think, well it does me anyway. 2/3 of my life and I am still in that jacket. The studs were added one night a year or two later, after a heavy drinking session, and inspired by several of the top Rockers in music at that time. The artwork, if you can call it that, Lovecraft, was added about ’91 after I saw a five piece all women rock and roll outfit from North London, and I started following them across the country taking pictures both on and off stage until they imploded because of the rhythm guitarist. But I digress.

Back of the Jacket

I have not really changed the way I look over these years, black jeans, usually combat boots, shirt untucked with either a waistcoat or denim cut over the top and the Jacket, unless it is very warm, then just the cut. But I am viewed has a scruff-bucket, especially by mum, who has been trying to get me to dress nice, but what people do not realise is that I am wearing a suit, jacket, waistcoat (cut), shirt, trousers (jeans) and boots, all matching and tied together by the style of being a Rocker. I do not have any additional holes in the jeans which is very fashionable at this time, has well has a denim jacket which is shredded at the back. So by rights I am actually tidy by comparison, which is as funny as hell to me.

But I do wear a suit, business suit that is. A nice 3 button jacket with off the rack in black trousers and a leather fronted waistcoat with a slim black tie and either a white, black, or mid green combat shirt and hair tied back rather than, as usual, loose. Has usual I have combat boots on my feet polished (usually) to a high sheen. But I worked for the NHS for 18 months and I wore that suit every day at work, and I also use it for interviews. But those who know me around here are use to seeing me in the other suit, the “Heavy” or “Scruffy” suit. I am very comfortable in my leather and jeans, but I am also comfortable in the work suit, but Friday just gone I had to go for a mock interview at the job centre, and while some who had to also go turned up in their usual tracksuit (come on even I would not class that even close as a suit) I turned up in my three-piece suit. 4 people commented on the fact that I was dressed up. Mock or real, it was an interview regardless.

Da Family

The first one to comment was one of my neighbours who asked why I was dressed up, am I going anywhere nice? The second was my advisor at the job centre who said very nice Dave, very smart. To which I thought do not get use to it. One of the guys I have spent the last week on this training course with walked past me and did not even recognise me, come on, same face and beard and glasses. The third one was the advisor who was doing the interviews on that floor who actually thanked me for making an effort. Needless to say I may have got the job were it a real interview, but there you go, if the Gods want me to work then I will get the interview and get the job. All I can do is try to get a job by applying for all which are suitable for me. The forth one who commented was by far the funniest (in the nicest way possible) and had me smiling for the rest of the day and still smiling now thinking about it. I went to pick up a prescription from the Doctors and I was waiting and one of the girls came out from the back, saw it was me and asked if I was picking up, I said yes then she turned round a really looked at me, granted I had my baseball cap on and my Greatcoat due to the fact it was raining but she asked why are you all dolled up, you look gorgeous and she carried on throwing compliments at me while I was standing there laughing because of her reaction, and answering her questions. The rest of the girls came out to see what the fuss was about and were smiling at me, but being has they have seen me suited and booted when I was working for the NHS and for other interviews I have had they know what I look like in a suit. I said I never usually get these compliments when I come in here and she said that is because I usually have my heavy stuff on, meaning my Rocker.

But I am still me, regardless of what I am wearing, still the guy who gives a shit about others, very polite, unless I have been crossed, then not so much. Regardless of if I am suited and booted or scruffy I do not change, still have the beard and hair, still have Girlschool, Judas Priest, Motorhead et al blasting through my earphones. But it was nice that someone cared enough to make a fuss over me, but I fear she will be disappointed next time I see her, has I will be in the leather, unless I have another interview at the time I need to go in to the doctors.

But it springs to mind what do people really see, everyone has a story, where they come from, how they got to where they are now, some have had a better life and a much better journey than I have (Gods but I hope so anyway) and some have had a worse journey than I have, and it is this journey which makes me, you, and everyone what we are now, right this second, as on the morrow we all may be different to what we are today. I remember when Lemmy died, and I was reading posts on a newspaper regarding this, and one woman said “He looks vile, looks like he has fleas” and I thought, but you no nothing about him or his life, how he was both on stage and off it. Regardless of if he had died, what a thing to say about someone who you know nothing about. And then I had a comment from a woman who walked passed me with her daughter who said “He looks scary” WHY, just because I have long hair? A studded leather jacket? Glasses? Beard? I could have asked but I did not want to terrorise them by actually talking to them, that may have given the mum a heart attack had I actually spoke to them.

Granted I do have a set view regarding some, Skinheads are one such group of people who I do not like at all, but considering that most of them are Racist Morons verging on Neo-Nazi, if not beyond that, I can not help it, and Trackies, those who wear matching tracksuit top and bottoms, usually colour co-ordinated like gang colours. If I see a large group walking towards me I am steeling myself for a scrap, but they always pass without incident, but again because I have my music on I do not hear I they pass some derogatory comment once they have passed. But outside that I treat everyone with Respect until I know better. I will talk to people if they want or need to talk, despite the fact that I really am uncomfortable talking to people who I do not know, but if someone is in trouble then I will help if I can.

But how many of my Bothers and Sisters of the Springfield Rockers back in the ’80’s are still Rockers? There was suppose to have been 150 of us all told, and I have come across the 5 year Rocker many times, just a faze I was going through, but for me it is a way of life, it is not fashion, nor religion, nor and excuse and differently not a mid-life crises, not for 30 years. Just a way of life, and I wear it well I think.

Invisible

How easy would it be to just disappear? As the late great RJ Dio wrote “I disappeared before your eyes You never touch me you never feel me You’ll never see me again
Because I’ve just become unseen
”. But this is how I currently feel anyway. No-one talks to me, following on from my last post https://grendaliskingsite.wordpress.com/2017/09/12/trust-and-respect-and-honour/. Do not get me wrong, I get talked at, quite a bit really, but I can not, really can not remember the last time anyone honestly, truly, meaningfully asked how I was, how I am. It is always her, how is she? Is she alright? Well she is a damn sight better than I am, thank you for asking. Maybe I hide it too well, more than likely no-one cares anyway. Has anyone even read any of my posts on Facebook, the ones written by me, not the ones posted from the news. I am only talked at when I am needed, just like a dog, I am bored, I need this, Can you do that, what does this mean? OK, go away now, well until I need to use you some more anyway.

Nothing bloody changes in my life, same old shit as when I was young, when I would be talked at by my sister when she wanted someone, anyone, to talk at. Ah Dave is there, he will do. Is it really any surprise I have difficulty in talking to people, until I get to know them. Nothing has changed at all over the last 47 years.

I need to cut the ties that bind,

So you can go away
I’m gonna leave here
I can be invisible

And go away again
I can go away
When I leave here
I can be invisible

This is what I will do using bits and pieces from the many Paths I have walked, but it will go out to the Great Spirit, the Universe. Maybe a little ritual, candle magic, Earth magic, a Mantra, which I already have, which I did last night, just another very crappy night, still awake at 03.30 hrs, this is becoming a very bad habit, 5 times over the last 8 days, but of course my Guidance will come from Mother Kaskai, my direct link to the Universe.

I will use it has a Purifying spell/Working, mind, body, and life. And there was me thinking what was Bat Medicine https://grendaliskingsite.wordpress.com/2017/08/27/batty-visitors/ trying to tell me, to see in the dark? No, to see what is really there. What your eyes really see, your mind will understand, see things how they really are. Well I am now, and I must say, I am really pissed now. 47 years of being used and abused and I thought I woke up in 2010, thank you Bat Medicine and Universe for really letting me see what is really there, which is a big pile of stinking nothing, unless I am useful. Buy funny thing is I had a e-bomb in my head https://grendaliskingsite.wordpress.com/2016/05/25/next-life-or-last-life/ a few days ago telling me that the Universe was Right on track, I am where I need to be. I think this was directed to where I am now mentally, rather than location.

But I really am a fool, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. But one really had me fooled that they had changed into a decent person who gave a shit for others, well anyone but me, despite I classed them has Kith and Kin, even though they are not my blood. I will not be fooling for that again, and the Trust and Respect I had for them is now all but gone, and the longer they treat me has something they scraped off their shoe then the less Trust and Respect I will have for them, until it is all gone, and then it is all down hill from there. Will I help them when required, when asked? For the time being I will still be polite, I was brought up that way, but I will have to at least help if needed, until the ties that bind are severed. Otherwise I am just Dishonouring myself.

But I did a reading using my sigils and the reading follows below.

Self Sorrow

Direction Love

Hope Friendship

Fear Sun

Past Noise

Present Change

Future Illness

Help Trust

Hinder Grace

Influence Barren

Environment Master

Outcome Autumn/West

This was a general reading, I was not thinking of any question, because the stones tell me what I need to know, not what I need to hear anyway, but the first three tie in with what is going on at this time, has does several of the others, but a few are still confusing at this time, especially Sun, Master, and the outcome Autumn/West. But with 20/20 vision, maybe these will reveal themselves to me. I could write another song regarding this, but strangely I have already basically written this several times since the late 80’s.

So now I really am ready to “Be Invisible”

Anyway, for those interested, the full Lyrics from Dio’s Invisible, from the Holy Diver album are below.

“Invisible”

If your circle stays unbroken
Then you’re a lucky man
‘Cause it never, never, never has for me

In the palace of the virgin
Lies the chalice of the soul
And it’s likely you might find the answer there

She had thirteen years of teenage tears
And never a helping hand
She had fourteen more of rain before
She saw the sight of land
She was a photograph just ripped in half
A smile inside a frown
And then the light, the answer right
Inside her coming down

It said
I can go away
I can leave here
I can be invisible
I go away

He was just eighteen and in-between
A lady and a man
His daddy’s girl in momma’s world
That was when he ran
You know the word confused has been abused
But that’s just what he was
And then the spark inside the dark
The answer came because it said

You can go away
You can leave here
You can be be be … Invisible

Well I grew up quick and I felt the kick
Of life upon a stage
So I bought the book and took a fast look
At just the very last page
It was a single word that I’d just heard
From the two that came before
The only way to really stay
Is to walk right out the door

So you can go away
I’m gonna leave here
I can be invisible

And go away again
I can go away
When I leave here
I can be invisible

I said, when you can go away
Lord you know it’s right to leave here
So I just become invisible
I went away
I disappeared before your eyes
You never touch me you never feel me
You’ll never see me again
Because I’ve just become unseen
Well I’m a photograph that’s been torn in half
We’re all eighteen and we’re in between
We need a helping hand to the holy land
To be invisible
To go away

The best Music in the World – mine

Well I do not mean mine as in the stuff I write, really? Have you heard me sing? Like an out of tune growl from a mad and deaf bear, No, I meant my top 6

My First will always be Miss Micki Michael Steele, Formally of Bangles and Crash Wisdom and Runaways fame. She was the reason I got into any music at all, way back when “Egyptian” was on TOPT on a Thursday. She will always have a special place with me.

The Rest of the 6 are in no order at all but I have to list them somehow so here they are.

Motorhead

Girlschool

Warlock/Doro Pesch

Ronnie James Dio – Early Rainbow, Middle Black Sabbath, and his own band Dio, and Heaven and Hell

Judas Priest

AC/DC

These 6 I love equaly, and enjoy them all the same, but maybe for slightly different reasons.

But this list is only my top 7, the full list is so much longer than this, and may include so you may never have heard of, and some that would surprise you if you look at my picture, long hair, beard, leather jacket.

To finish off my top 10 I would add

Free

Black Crowes

Early Marillion (Fish on Vocals)