Freedom

So after almost 25 years we are now finally Free. Yesterday she moved out, and today I started to cleanse and sort the house out. I did help her move, helped pack the van, and unload the van, put her bed back together, and set up her PC, and stored most of the boxes in her storage cupboard. She left about 0900, and I finally got home at about 1630, blasted Motorhead out (poor neighbours) for 2 hours after doing a few bit in the front room so that I had somewhere to sit down, then cooked, checked my mail, and a few other minor chores, and just relaxed.

It is so bloody good to be alone for awhile (maybe a very long while). Do I miss Her? No is the basic, very simple answer, but my back is really killing me. But I tidied the front room today, and moved the furniture around to my liking, just a few things to sort out in here, and on the Morrow, sort out the Kitchen. Then basically the down stairs is done. She will no longer have a presence here, and it will be a very cold day (Think Ice-Age cold) in Hell before I will even think about her and me. She has been banished for good from my life. Saying that, have come across some important things of hers, so one final visit to her, and then I will never have to see her again, but I am her life threatening Emergency Contact (Having pissed of her Daughter in stunning fashion), but I will no more suffer her abuse.

So now I can focus on me, once the house has been cleansed totally, I will start to Heal myself, and start doing what I want to do at any given time, speak to whomever I want to, and Finally (to be honest here, 51 years), after all this time, Live Free, Live for Me.

I am curious with regards of where I will end up, by this not what part of the World (Though Canada is looking Good, once I have been to Ulster), but how much will I change, will I become something, someone else (Transform from Grendal) so I are looking forward to the new journey which I have just started on.

Saving Me?

We reach out, we are, for the most part, herd animals to be fair and honest, but some of us require more than others,, a greater need for some sort of Social Construct, while some (myself included) require less, we are all different. But we all need something. Sometimes it is just the one person which we need, just someone to talk through stuff, do not have to agree on all things, that makes a healthy relationship. (Not talking Romantic here, just Human to Human relationship.) Where would we be if we all agreed on everything, did everything the same, then we would just be clones, And any human relationship would be shallow and pointless. I have said it before, I will say again, what I do not need is People, but what I would like is maybe one or two close Friends, but it seems that that is out of reach, hell who has time for everyone who requires that, and yet others feed off the need, no, desire, we crave for contact, and that is has shallow has Clone relationships. But still many, on social media have hundreds, if not thousands of “Friends” or “Followers”, and yet always crave more, the inbuilt need to be validated. I have seen it first hand, people whining that no one will talk to them, while only 5,000 followers. (Myself, I think I have 34 on here, but I expect maybe 1 person to view any post in any given day, some I think have never been viewed, but do I write for you? No, do I write to get noticed? No, do I write to get 100 views every day? No, I write to get it down, out of my head, others I will constantly be thinking about it and still awake a stupid o’clock, like last night, and a thousands nights before. So I write, I write for me. To be honest here, I do not really care if no one follows me, I am no Guru, no Messiah, no holy man. (well maybe a little on the last one, just not in this context). If someone finds what I have written helpful, informative, or useful then All good. But the main point is to get it out of my damn head.

It is no secret here, I locked all of my gooey feelings away, I could see how it was going with Anabel (Yes, she is back, Anabel the Return, for the last time on here, one night only) so I just locked all those feelings away, what is the point of having them there on show when there is No one who is going to get them. I crashed myself Hard back into Manic Depression, but unlike last time when I did not know what the hell was going on, I knew the route down, and I know the route back. I spent most of November and all of December, and half of January (including my Birthday) locked down there, listening to Nothing buy Megadeth, Slayer, Mettalica, Halloween, and Exodus (80’s Thrash Metal), some of it brutal, some Satanic (easy people, it is just bloody music), but once I locked myself down, then I remembered why I have a collection of those albums, because it suits my Manic Mood.

Anyway I told her I was doing it, and she told me that I should not do that, I need my Heart and all those Romantic feeling to wear on my sleeve, but she could not answer Why do I need them. There is No one, I only need those feelings if I get close to someone, but that stands to reason. And with a grand total of a hundred first dates, maybe a dozen second dates, Three Girlfriends, Nicky, Julie, and Hilary (Yes that Hil) and 0 one night stands, hell I am on a Roll. But what some need to understand about me is this. And this is Important here. If I am going to commit to a relationship, I am ALL in, no half measures, no just a couple of weeks fun, see you around sometime. Said this before, All or Nothing with me, always been the same, hence 3 Girlfriends, never had an affair. So if one does not commit to me, I can not, and will not commit to them, because they are not interested. (I know, not even with my stunning good looks (lmfao)).

But why the title? Simple. Basic, and I will make it VERY clear so that everyone understands me on this. Back OFF telling me that I need to unlock my Heart and all of the Gooey stuff. No I do not need to do that, NOT AT ALL, thank you very bloody much. It is not healthy for you Dave, Tell me what is? Living a lie, living a false hope that I will get another Girlfriend Before I kick the bucket? Yes I would Like another Girlfriend, not talking Marriage here, not unless she really wants to, and I mean really. But I am 51, and what I have not had in any of those 51 years is the feeling of Total Love, someone who feels about me how I feel about them, but in truth I am not even sure that she really exists.

I am totally Passionate, totally committed. No I do not need Saving from my Doom and Gloom, Doomy Dave. I am not really all Doom and Gloom, I just see the World how it really is, people are for the most part not nice, greedy, corrupt, few, if any morals, and self serving. There are some Good People out there, and they try to make a difference, but I know several who have had enough with trying to help those who are in the list above, same has I have. Spent 51 years at others beck and call, but now, at least for a little while, I am all about me. Every day, when I get up I read my Creed (found in the Prayers page), Every day. And I uphold and adhere to those words right through the day and night, never faltering in my steps. Until I arise the next day, then I say them again. I have been reading that Creed, and acting on it since I woke up from my major Manic downtime, which ended about 08 or 2010, somewhere around there. I was one of the first things I wrote. Every Day.

Now please tell me why you think that I need saving? Why I need to unlock all those Feelings? I Love myself (someone has to, right, so might has well be me). I accept myself, warts and all, has I have written on here. But I hold myself to a High Account in front of My Gods And Ancestors. It would be nice if more people held themselves to a high account, and let their actions be Right and True, but I do not expect it, hell never have expected it, not after all I saw, just in my house, my family, so I do not judge others like I judge myself. But what I really do not need, never have needed this to be honest, had lots of them in my past, do not need them now, is fake, false friends. You are a grown up? Yes, good, pull up your grown up pants and just bloody tell me to my face, that you do not want to be friends, you do not need me, Gods but is it so hard to do. Look, I will give you the words, get them a try, see how easy they are.

“Dave, you are a nice guy, bit odd, but I can not be your friend.”

Easy peasy pudding pie. You are to busy, I am too odd or strange, or ugly has sin, or any other reason. Hell you do not even have to do it face to face (most, scrap that, all of you do not live anywhere near me) so Go On, pull the plaster off.

I am Alone (well give me 2 months and I will be) and I am happy and content being alone, and if the Gods decide to show me Girlfriend number 4, who this time Is the Real Deal, granted I have a Major issue with Trusting people now, so she makes it clear that yes, very interested in committing to me, all in, then I will unleash My Heart and all the Romantic feeling that go with it, and Love her more fiercely than she loves me, or maybe has ever been Loved before. In Truth except for the basics, that is all I have ever wanted, to be Loved like that, I need little, want even less, just that. I am not a Stray who needs saving. Never was, never will be. Just leave me be if you can not be honest and truthful, tell be true you do not want to be friends, And Love Me Totally if you have a mind to with no strings, no motive, no falseness, No Fake, No Time-wasters.

Oh so you know, there is maybe one last post on this blog, and then maybe, it is done, there will be another one, but it will be Just Spiritual, But this, it served it purpose. But I will not be following anyone with the new one, so if you follow expecting me to follow back. Do not bother. Follow those who need that kind of attention.

Job Done

Thank you for reading and dropping by.

Dave

To Be Finished or Whole

From Sweetrubyblues, It really made me stop and think, It is a big Question which I feel we all really need to answer for ourselves. Are we ever complete?

Sweet Ruby Bluez

“Perhaps the hardest thing I’ve learned, and still struggle with, is that I don’t have to be finished in order to be whole.”

Really think of what that means. Maybe it means something different from person to person. Or maybe just like mathematics once we all get on the same wave length than there can only be one meaning. Think of what it means for one to feel whole? Does it mean that one person is brainwashing and the others are just following suit? Or does it mean doing the right thing from moment to moment can only possibly mean one thing to the righteous person. Maybe righteous is too bold of a word but what I am trying to say infinite meanings means it is yet to be proven so in facto we can only truly have one definition when it comes to being whole.

The idea of being…

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The Monster Under The Bed

Who is Grendal King

*This was not written because of what I am going through currently, this has been in the writing stage for Months, before I came of Social Media, before shit happens (which it does) *

This was the follow on from Mirror Mirror and 30 Years if I am being Honest here, This is who and What I am, Why I am, maybe one day I will write my Truth, my Life, but what lead me to here now matters not, not much anyway, we all have scars, we all cut, and bleed, writing it at this point seems pointless, a waste of energy and time, I changed, became More, I became Grendal, I became the Man I am today, and Pure Class has it is I have not altered my dress sense since the late 80’s, You can not improve on Perfection ;D

The original spelling is Grendel, taken from the story of Bewouf, the “Hero” of old Saxon English legend. Grendal is the bad guy, the “Monster” who is terrorising a kingdom and whom Bewouf must kill. I just changed the last vowel for my liking. There are two references to Grendel, one the original story in myth, and the “Reply” to the legend by Marillion, the Rock band in the 1980’s, who wrote a 16 minute epic. It was written from the point of view of Grendel rather than the King or the Hero, and yes, while some was violence, it was justified. He was just another scapegoat, another Monster Under The Bed for the people to fear, but only after he was cast out of his rightful place and persecuted and violence begets violence. Grendal was the Bastard Son of Mother Nature and the King who hired Bewouf, hence Grendal is King, his rightful place was on the throne. The King cheated on the Queen by having sex with Mother Nature, has many had done before, pledging themselves to Her to gain power and privilege, and then betrayed. Bewouf has it turns out is no better, and he becomes King, after killing Grendel, and “Saving” the kingdom, he then has sex with Her, and thus the story carries on, nothing changes, nothing is different. The same corruption carries on once Power has been gained. It could be a satire with regards to leaders, even today, not just countries, but business, finance, etc, while these leaders, these “Captains of Industry” scream warning about the boggyman, the monster under the bed, while it is them we should be concerned about. Even most of the Press is in on it, both TV and paper.

I am the Monster Under The Bed, but what is the Monster we are taught to fear since childhood? Has anyone, any child ever been harmed by the Monster under the Bed, and I mean in real life, I know in films that the monster eats, kills or abducts the child, but that is TV, it has never happened in real life, ever. The Monster is Real, has real has you or I, it does exist, but its purpose, well, that is to scare children, to prepare them for the belief in the masses that the boggyman is EVIL. Many different people, but all the same we are taught to fear, we look different, but we are all treated the same, following the masses, what the leaders, papers, and tv tell us to fear, without even considering that maybe we are fearing the wrong monster. The Monster under the Bed will protect the child from the real monsters, and by default, will protect the family from the monsters, the real monsters, who wear nice clothes, fake smiles, ouseing charm, while they get into your head, heart, life and tear it to shreds, and still you go back and welcome another one into your life, time and again. You cast aside the Monster under the Bed (hence my picture) and drive it away to welcome the real Evil into your lives, and there is nothing to protect you, you have to face it alone, joining with others who have been victims and share stories and scars and advice. Some of you may call back the ugly, hairy, scruffy, unkempt Monster, but most will not, but it is way to late, the monsters, the real ones have destroyed your life.

I am the Monster Under the Bed, the Boggyman, the one who is cast aside, abused, taunted, laughed at, betrayed, turned into the reason for all of the crap in your life, hence Grendel. But who am I? Ugly, unkempt, scruffy, scary, threatening, rough, but we are many, and we all are different, but always treated with the same distaste and discord, disrespect, and untrusted, but for usually no reason, except for what you have been taught since you were children. Fear the Dark, Fear the Different. That is who I am, where I am. I stand within the Dark, shining the Light on the Real Monsters, fighting them to keep you safe, and yet, Always used and abused and in the end Forgotten, until it is way too late. We are many, We are Legion, We are the Lost, We are the Forgotten, We are the Untrusted, We are the Betrayed.

The Monster Under The Bed is You, it is Me, we who fight, we who heal, we who pick you up when you fall, we who are always there to guide you. We are the Loners and we are the Losers, but we are always there. Asking for Nothing, Giving Everything to help and Protect. Never Fear that which seems dark or different, fear that which shines like heavenly fire and speaks with honey, for they always turn out to be monsters, abusers, liars, thieves, and pure nasty, evil sick twisted betrayers.

But ok Dave, why Grendal? Other names you could have used? Marillion is the simple answer. I first heard Fish and Marillion on a C-90 cassette (who remembers those lol) and a friend whom I worked with gave it to me, full, 90 minutes of 80’s Rock/Metal, and one of the tracks was Assassin by Marillion from the Fugazi album. Brought the album, and like the stuff, really liked the stuff, and brought the other 3 studio albums they had done, then found the album “The B sides themselves” and Grendel was the 16 ½ minutes long first track. I really connected to Grendel, scapegoat, whipping boy, the outsider, and granted the story has very Christian overtones, and “Good” overcoming “Evil” and the usual, but in the story, I feel that Grendel is Justified, not in the slaughter (but consider it was based in Denmark and the Danes were well known has Raiders of these islands and mainland Europe), the slaughter was expected, but so was the outcome. He still connects with me, the idea of Grendel

“Mother Nature’s Bastard Child, shunned by Leaf and Stream” – shunned by life, to always be on the outskirts. Now granted, I could cut my hair, shave off my beard and wear a colour co-ordinated track suit like the rest of the sheeple and thugs around here, to fit in, to conform, to be like the rest, but that has Never been me, even has a 7 year old I was alone, no friends, dreaming of Different, thinking of Different, being who I am now (some changes, but I am the Man now because of who I was always was especially back then. Elves and Woodland Folk hiding amongst the Trees in the local woods. Trying to spot them. Never fit in, even when I tried too, never accepted, I was born Different, will die being different, happy with who I am, accepting of who I was, Forgiving myself when I was whipped by his belt at 7 for not being strong enough, forgiving myself for being weak and crying.

I Am Grendal, Monster Under Your Bed, Fear Me, for I am the Boggyman here to lead you astray. Or Trust me, Respect Me, accept me, forget me, until it is way too late and they already have you under their control with their Lies, Misinformation, and bastard conning, thieving ways.

But Grendal is all but gone now, only really on here where he still thrives, stalking the ways the pages, halls and alleyways hunting the Truth and shining the light on it.

But he is sick and tired, how sick, I guess time will tell, how tired, like even when I get 10 hours sleep (usually lucky if I get 4) I still wake up exhausted. I need to Heal Myself, can not do it here, way too much bad mojo, will wait until I move, maybe a few months, then really sort things out for myself. But within a Month, Gods willing, I will finally be Free from the Abuse and hatred which is my Life, She Will Be Gone for Good, and it will be a Cold Day in Hell before I will ever even think of getting back with Her. Or Anabel, and you know who you are.

Script for a Jester’s Tear

I am in Love, I know that I am, written it enough, I am in Love with, Totally Devoted and Adore a woman who does not Want, Trust, nor Respects me, nor who wants to even speak or see me, and I love a kid who is not mine, who I would die for, but who thinks that I am the Most Evil Person ever to walk upon the Earth, even worse than those who shout and hit kids. That is how it feels to me, has I sit here typing up what I have written this evening. I would Die for these two, I would give my last drop of blood, drop of spinal fluid, ounce of marrow, every organ, my last breath just to keep them both safe and well.

I could make them Love me, want to be with me, but has I told Her when she asked if I could do it and said prove it, I told Her that I would NEVER do that to anyone. For me this is one of the most EVIL Magical Crimes that anyone can do and if I find that someone has done it, I would jump up and down on them to leave just a smear on the floor. This type of spell is just sick, twisted and totally evil in my Book. To be honest here, any Love Spell is dodgy has hell in my mind, but this will get you killed, by me.

Will they have even noticed that I am no longer around? That I am gone? If She needs me I will be there for Her and him, Always. But to be caste aside like this has broken my Heart totally by Her actions over the last few months, despite that I was the one who was there to get Her back on Her feet, and now I am expecting, at any time, to be blocked again on Facebook, has well has being muted. And yet no remorse do I get from Anyone, ever, not a single apology have I had since I can not remember. Even though I have done Nothing to deserve such Treatment, unless She is right, what she said last Christmas, and it is always my Fault, I AM ALWAYS in the wrong.

Yet another emotional suicide
Overdosed on sentiment and pride
I’m losing on the swings
I’m losing on the roundabouts, roundabouts
, the game is over

I am in Total Despair, totally broken, so now with Lockdown to help, I am back to the Blackness of my Manic where it does not hurt any more. Just to try to mend my Broken shattered Heart and Soul. She knows how I feel about Her and the kid, told her before, and since, even told her last time but last we saw each other, I looked I her eyes and told her my Truth with regards to my Feelings for Her and him.

The Pain is unbearable, never before have I felt this much pain, but it is not physical, just mental and emotional, This is why I know what I feel for Her, my Angel, is Real. But I also know what they both think of me, Actions speak louder than words, but I told Her straight for the Truth about it all. I wonder if I will get it, or just dodged again. Actions speak louder than words.

It is not fair, not fair on me at all. I was the one, maybe I have been the only one who has really loved Her.

The fool escaped from paradise
Will look over his shoulder and cry
Sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer “Why?”
As you grow up and leave the playground
Where you kissed your prince and found your frog
Remember the jester that showed you tears, the script for tears


Unlike him 2 months ago, but I was there for Her, She told me I was the only one who knows. But I did not judge Her, just him, it was his fault. It is not Fair to be treated like this, this way. The way I am being treated is like I am the most evil, biggest bastard, worse that the usual scum you see on the news, wife beaters, thugs, and the like. It is not Fair, and Not right, but My Heart will not let go, nor my mind, nor will the Gods let me forget Her. But what does it matter? It is only ever me who loses, gets hurt and left alone, always alone. Does it matter? No, because I do not matter at all, Never have, never will.

So I’ll hold our peace forever when you wear your bridal gown
In the silence of my shame the mute that sang the sirens’ song
Has gone solo in the game
I’ve gone solo in the game, but the game is over

For those who care, the full lyrics to Script for a Jester’s Tear – Marillion

So here I am once more
In the playground of the broken hearts
One more experience, one more entry in a diary, self-penned
Yet another emotional suicide
Overdosed on sentiment and pride
Too late to say I love you
Too late to restage the play
Abandoning the relics in my playground of yesterday

I’m losing on the swings
I’m losing on the roundabouts
I’m losing on the swings
I’m losing on the roundabouts

Too much, too soon, too far to go, too late to play
The game is over, the game is over

So here I am once more
In the playground of the broken hearts
I’m losing on the swings
I’m losing on the roundabouts

The game is over

Yet another emotional suicide
Overdosed on sentiment and pride
I’m losing on the swings
I’m losing on the roundabouts, roundabouts
, the game is over

Too late to say I love you
Too late to restage the play
The game is over

I act the role in classic style
Of a martyr carved with twisted smile
To bleed the lyric for this song
To write the rites to right my wrongs
An epitaph to a broken dream
To exercise this silent scream
A scream that’s born from sorrow

I never did write that lovesong
The words just never seemed to flow
Now sad in reflection did I gaze through perfection
And examine the shadows on the other side of morning
And examine the shadows on the other side of morning
Promised wedding now a wake
Promised wedding now a wake, awake

The fool escaped from paradise
Will look over his shoulder and cry
Sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer “Why?”
As you grow up and leave the playground
Where you kissed your prince and found your frog
Remember the jester that showed you tears, the script for tears

So I’ll hold our peace forever when you wear your bridal gown
In the silence of my shame the mute that sang the sirens’ song
Has gone solo in the game
I’ve gone solo in the game, but the game is over

Can you still say you love me
Can you still say you love me
Can you still say that you love me
Do you love me
Do you love me
Do you love me
Do you love me, the jester’s tear

Can you still say you love me
Can you still say you love me
Can you still say that you love me?

The jester’s tear, the jester’s tear
Do you love me

Friends of the Trees

Ancient Irish Ogham talks regarding Trees, Back to the Trees, Trees meaning the Roots, Our Ancestors, and with Samhain just gone, this is really relevant. Back to our Ancestors, who are line upon line, stretching back through the mists of Time from the beginning. It is not so much about the Names, but those of you who know them can call upon them, but not many know further back than maybe 4 generations, a few hundred years, but not the thousands of years we are talking about here. But Regardless of how many names you know, or do not know, you know that Thousands of your Ancestors have lived and died, and at this time it is about Honouring All of them, respecting them, for without them, you would not be here today reading this.

I woke up this morn (1/11/20) in agony, nervous, tense, nerves on edge, mind flayed, feeling a bitter loneliness, and total desolation deep within me. Not the numb depressive feeling (or lack there of) of Manic Depression, something deeper, something new for me. I did what I did, said what I said last night (well midnight, so could be this morn). I put out my offerings, Meat, spuds, peas, a bowl of milk and honey and (has I am Irish) a bowl of stout in Honour of my Ancestors and my Divine Queen Morrigan Ana. I gave thanks, respect and honour to my Ancestors, line upon line, with thanks for all that I have been given this last year, and for what I will receive this next year. Along with my Ancestors I also called upon the Ancestors of the One I Love with all of my Heart, Mind, and Soul so that they may Guide Her, Protect Her, Help Her, Heal Her, and to Give Comfort to Her this next Year. Most of it was the same has I have done over the years, but the call to Her Ancestors was indeed new this year, right or wrong, I needed to, ney, I had to do it. Anyway I put myself to bed at 1330 today because along with how crap I was feeling, I had a massive headache on the go, so I knew what that meant for me, had to at least try to sleep, and then I had the Dream/Vision.

The Dream was Lucid, very Lucid, has real has it is now I am writing (wrote this up earlier, typing it up now, just afore Midnight.) I was working has something, not sure what, but it was important, very important, something different, unusual. I was walking with someone, a colleague, up some stairs, and I got the real urge, the real need to be home, so I told him, he said ok, and I said I will see him at the Jump Off point. Then I was home, but it was not this house, way too big for Anything I would chose to live in if I have any say on it, but I was home, and there was a mass of people waiting for me, and I mean a lot of people. Has I walked up to the door I was stopped by a Priest and his very heavily pregnant wife, both in their early 30’s. Now none of these people I have Ever met before, but when the Priest and wife approached me, each carrying a case, I know that he had caused me wrong sometime. They asked for help and refuge and at first I said no, but she said that they had been turned away everywhere else, so I relented and told them that they could stay. I tried to unlock the door, but was having difficulty in doing this, then someone said was it open, and sure enough, my door was open, unlocked. So I opened up my door and waved everyone inside.

Once in I could see how big the place was, it was more like a school, an old type school, dark wooden panelling walls. Has I was about to walk in a young ginger haired man, late teens, early 20’s maybe said about the name of the house, so I went and looked on the wall outside and saw the name, Friends of the Trees was written around the plaque and three trees were inside, an oak, birch, and a yew. It was coloured and looked fresh and new, trees still a rich green colour, black lettering, bright white background. The Ginger haired man was waiting for me while I looked at the name. We went inside and everyone from outside, plus so many more were milling around inside, making them selves at home, finding rooms etc. He said about needing the loo and to sleep, so I said I will find him somewhere safe. I went to a door, and even though I have never been in there before, I knew what I would find, and I did, there were three beds, one was occupied with blankets pinned up around it, and someone sitting on the bed. There were three desks and a sink in there has well. I closed the door and told him that he could use mine, and we walked along the corridor to a pair of large glass doors, which I held open for him. A sharp right turn and up stairs, around the corner, and I was staring at him, not watching where I was going, but dodging people coming down the stairs without looking. I said about not watching where I was going, and I said about me knowing where I am going, and what is around me, we walked through another set of glass doors, and I woke up.

So why write? It was just a dream was it not? Or was it way so much more? The Priest and Wife, the Ginger haired, the name, all these things were really important to me, and I mean really important, and yet I know not my Mothers Family, and know now who my Father was, but it was these three who really stood out for me.

But the dream, what does it mean, if anything at all, was it just a dream, or so much more. Really a school, even more so, Hogwarts type school, really, me running a school!!!. I know that my Path is Guide and Teacher, while always still a student of Nature and Magic, but come on, a school! I do not do school, I teach in real life, one to one, usually about the basics of computer skills and job search, but that is always one to one, and I also teach Magic, which is also one to one, and only, especially the darker side, in person to people whom I know and trust not to go running off and throw curses at everyone because they have had a bad day. But in truth I think that I have forgotten more than I remember, 20 years of depression will do that to your mind to be true. But there was one thing missing from this dream, one person missing, and I felt her presence was not there during the dream, which did upset me, but in truth, not surprise me.

Anyway I woke up, came down in a total daze, did what I did, found that I could only just use my left arm, and started writing this down, not that I will forget it in a hurry.

What is the Point?

What is the Point?

Honestly what is the point?

I have written thousands of songs over a thousand life times, and just in this Circus of Life I am on now over a thousand, culled a thousand and over a hundred left.

But The Gods will not let me write this one, The one I need to write now. I have tried to write it, but the words will not flow nor rhyme, nor fully express my feelings. I can not get the words out, so I am writing here instead, where it does not matter if it flows, or rhymes, or even makes sense, it is the only way I can do it.

How I am Feeling Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, but looking back upon this life’s work I have already written, I have written this song before, many times before, and looking back upon my life, when these songs were written, it is a very pale comparison to what I feel today, when I said I would walk away until she needed me. These songs do not even come close to capturing it.

What is the Point? Why am I even trying? I can not cope with these feelings of Loss, Emptiness, and Pain. I always thought that my lesson to learn in this life was Loss, but over these 50 years, have I not learned my lesson yet? Have I not suffered enough? What more can I learn about it? It seems I have my Answer, I still have this to learn.

I thought I found my Perfect Day, the Perfect Day to help me heal all which has been broken, But now has I walk away, I am finding that I am learning a deeper sense of Loss.

All of the Physical, Mental, and Emotional pain over the last 50 years, and a thousand lifetimes pales to nothing to which I have felt over the last few months. Just over a year ago I had my Perfect Day, the only one in 50 years. How can I walk away from what feels so right that even the Gods themselves will not let me forget her.

Am I needed?

Am I even Wanted?

The pain will go if I stay, but Gods I want to stay, but I said I would leave Her be, not contact Her, disappear into the background, and she did not even try to make me stay, she did not even make an effort. To stay, really stay, I want any sort of commitment from Her, which I have not had, not once, even though I have asked, I have had none, not once.

So What is the Point? I can not do it all myself, Does She even want to make it work. I need the Truth, Honest Answer, Are we going to at least try to make it work? Or Do I walk away regardless of the pain.

So What is the Point?

Love

A Love so complete that even the Gods will not let you forget it, will not allow you to walk away from it. Has un-reciprocated has it may be, it is everything in the Universe to you, A Love so total that you would do anything to keep it, make it work.

Pure Love

Which is why I will walk away, and suffer the pain I am feeling right now until my last day, because it is what she needs me to do, A Love I would sacrifice anything for, including myself, if it what she wants. I swore I would give anything and everything to keep her safe and happy, including me, and my last chance of happiness, my one chance. Until the day I die, and I am Judged, I wish Her only happiness in her life, even if I am nowhere in sight, a very faint memory, if even that. Where She will forever be etched right through my Heart, Mind, and Soul.

BLM, C-19, The Environment and the Changes which need to happen

Racism and bullying and discrimination are rife, They are all deep within the Human psyche, maybe from the start 1 ½ million years ago. It comes from the Tribe mentality, those who belong and those who do not belong. Slavery had likewise been with us for so damn long, within Society, and despite being outlawed in most, if not all countries, it still exists. My Ancestors, Natives of Ireland, the Indigenous People of Ireland had slaves, usually convicts and prisoners, to work the land, and fight for the King of the Province in times of war. But then the Romans took slavery to a whole new level of brutality, cruelty, sadistic pleasure, and humiliation, so much worse than anyone else for maybe 1,000 years, but not much can surpass the Roman World View with regards to Racism and Slavery. Woman, Children, Men, Young, Old, Healthy, Sick, all were paraded through Rome itself, to cheering, leering crowds, in chains to be led to the markets to be sold, or to the Circus to be used has entertainment. But not just in Rome, all major Roman Cities, including London did this. Women raped for entertainment, children abused, everyone slaughtered, just for profit and entertainment. And still in schools we, in the UK, still revere the Romans for giving us Roads and the Circus, but do not talk about the slavery in bad terms, nor the extortion, rape, and in some cases Genocide of entire Tribes. The Crusades and Holy Wars in the Middle Ages between Christian, Islam, Jewish people, sometimes with entire villages being wiped out, because they are not us. Then come the Tudors, Elizabeth I of England (Mad Queen Bess), Daughter of Henry VIII, who went to Ireland, and started a bloody war because they were Catholic, and then fast Forward to Oliver Cromwell, the Bloody Butcher of Ireland, who wiped out entire villages. Or going back a bit the Danes, their raiding, Raping, and pillaging, not just Europe, but also the Natives of North America, taking slaves back to the cold north, again sometimes wiping out entire villages, just because they could. Again fast forward and you have found the non Christian people of Africa, so you decide to take them to work on plantations in the America, because workers cost money, slaves work of nothing, who cares about them, oh just the people they left behind in their homeland. Sometime Tribes in Africa would give captured “Others” and give them has slaves, just to protect their Tribe, better them than us methinks. Human life is cheap, when they are NOT one of us. And of course let us not forget the Spanish, a “Christian” Country, and the Genocide they wrought upon the Natives of the Americas.

Fast Forward to the “Modern era”, Himmler was the architect of the Death Camps where Jews, Romani, Homosexual, and Christian Priests were dealt with. Hitler told him that he did not want to know, but did not stop him doing it. Even has late has 2002, in the Czech Republic the Romani males were still being chemically Sterilised by the Government, and still no-one, not one single Government, lifted a finger, Kosovo, Kurds, Tibet, The Muslims in China and Southeast Asia. Still it goes on. Palestine, where land is stolen, Women,Children are slaughtered, especially in West Palestine Gaza, but now, only one Country has stood up, and said ENOUGH. That was Sweden.

Women have been second class citizens in almost every country, you can read a bit here, and according to God, Man is Above Woman, and Humans above Everything else. Not just Christian, but almost EVERY country. Man has POWER and DOMINION over everything, but especially White Man. Male Priests and Clerics until recently anyway were the only ones, and Bastard, that is a Christian term. Pre Christian in Europe, mainly talking regarding the Natives of West Europe here, children took their name from the “Family” name of the maternal Grandmother. The names were always passed down through the Female side for a reason, and one reason only. We always knew who our Mother was, and except in very, very rare times the child also knew the father. But sometimes the Father was not the Partner, rape did happen, but it was very rare, and those “Bog People”, bound and tied may have been the attackers, but yes The Christians moved the names to male, because God was Father, and there was no female Divinity, only the male was important, so if a child was then born of rape, or incest, a one night stand, whatever, Bastard is now given. In Christian eyes I am, Bastard, that should be my name Dave Bastard. But in the eyes of my Ancestors, well I have a name, and it comes from County Down.

BULLSHIT

Can you really look at me and say that this is correct, right, ok? Humans would died out without Woman, Humans would die out without Nature, we (well some of you, ok most of you) think that the Human Animal is an Apex Predator because of Tech, take away the Tech and then go after a wolf, Bear, Big Cat, or a Crocodile. That I would watch, seeing you getting torn apart due to your stupid ego that we are better than any other creature. And yet, for all of your ego, pomp, and bullshit tech we are dying from something so small it needs our tech to see it. C-19, The Covid Virus. Running rampant but just through the Humans, the top “Apex Predator with Tech” Where is you tech now? Every year we die from flu, and even now a few cases of the Black Death kill a few more. But these usually only affect Humans, but still we think that we have Dominion over the Earth, Planet Dirt. Every year Mother Nature throws tropical storms at us, and for all of our posturing, bragging, and boasting we can do nothing to stop it.

WHEN will YOU learn? We are nothing, just another animal, but one which is inherently flawed, broken. A failed experiment in Mother’s Lab. So much so that we hate everything, including ourselves, and others who are not of our tribe.

It Is All Discrimination, Racism, and in such a multicultural world has we have now, it has NO place at all. But we need to stop, take a breath, and think for more than a few seconds, get a few brain cells working. That was then, which means it is institutionalised deep within all of us. No use complaining about what happened then, it happened, that was then, this is now. Not saying forget, and hell no, I am not saying ignore it, but we now need to change, break the cycle, on ALL forms of discrimination, wherever it comes, however it comes. Accept it, learn from it, and only then can we change it. A fish can no more help being a fish than someone has an adult White Male in the 1940’s being sexist, racist, and homophobic. We have to learn, and accept that that was then, things are different now, very different. We are now more aware, or should be, of why it has no place in society or we will never change. We learn from our parents, from our Teachers, and also from our friends, and if those friends do not want to change, but you, dear reader, wants to change, to be more inclusive, less discrimination, and your “friends” cast you out, be grateful they have, because if they refuse to change and stay racist, then why would you want to be friends anyway?

Continue reading BLM, C-19, The Environment and the Changes which need to happen

Satanic Ritual Abuse Myth

Listen well, read it through properly and every word, upon my Honour is The Truth, based on FACT, real hard evidence.

I Never ever wanted to remember those times ever again, but it seems that I must remember what they did to the Children and Families of those good Christians, and what they were put through. This is not the post which was next. I never wanted to ever post this, my account of SRA. But it seems that I have but no choice, you need to read and understand what happened 30 years ago, to understand what is happening now. And no I am not Faith Bashing here, just stopping the Faith Bashing which is now, once again Mainstream.

I would say I am angry, but that would be a total lie, I am so far beyond angry I can not see it any more. Not that I would expect you to say sorry, I can not Trust nor Respect you, and for me to do so then I would just be dishonouring myself and everything I stand for.

Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) was started in the late 1980’s, in its current form anyway, but it ties in with the Witch Trials of the 1600’s, Salem and what not, but the First was Ipswich, and the Bury St. Edmunds Witch Trials. You can read the entire Court transcript, if you can be bothered, and from there, look at the Salem Trials a few years later.

Now fast forward to 1988 and the 8 cases in the UK, also more than a few cases in the US and Australia has well as a smattering elsewhere. Read the transcript of these cases, from 1988 – 1991, and the last case, which was the Epping Forest Case. This case was the Holy Grail of the SRA, the case which was to blow the lid off the Pagan and Satanic Communities, well that was the plan, that is what was said.

Background for you. Several of the Christian Evangelical Churches members, one high placed in the Childline call centre, and several “Specialist” Psychologists and Psychoanalysts and a few in the SS, or Social Services, started telling the NSPCC, High Level SS, Police, and Press and MP’s that children were being abused by the Pagan Community, and they dubbed it Satanic Ritual Abuse, because nothing scared the basic public more that Satanists eating babies and cats and drinking the blood. Children and some adults who were under treatment by these “Specialist” it has been catagorlically proved were being “Groomed” and given false memories, of actions against and around them which would cause me a few problem, Children were Groomed into believing that these total nightmares were real. The aim, along with several “News” stories, especially the “Cook Report” titled “The Devils Work” aired July 1989, basically the forerunner to Youtube, pre internet, and the Press, This “Factual” work was blasted by the TV Watchdog at the time has being not only biased, badly researched and suspect in its methods of obtaining information. But Also there was clear evidence presented to the commission concerning an initial conspiracy to fabricate evidence to justify the programme. And at least one MP, Mr Geoffrey Dickens MP, who proposed that the Criminal Justice Bill 1990 be amended with the clause “Join, Participate in OR be present at any secret Occult Ceremonies or groups”. If passed this would have made being any form of Pagan illegal. The MP tried to push through a Law in Government which would have made it totally illegal for Pagans to Practice their Faith, have Children, and the Children would be taken away and put into the right “Christian” settings.

This is all fact, still here?

Continue reading Satanic Ritual Abuse Myth